The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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