You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
