I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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