I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
