my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
