I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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