The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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