I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
