I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
