I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
