you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
