Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
