my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
