I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
