so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
