Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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