I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
