Old men and throwing up are my life now.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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