Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
