I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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