If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are the jesus of drinking
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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