the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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