Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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