you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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