Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
