Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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