Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
