I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
