My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
