i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
