dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
