I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
