Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
