In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
