the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
