New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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