Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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