Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
