I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
