Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
