Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
