I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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