I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
