she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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