So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
