i don't like sucking hair
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
foreskin is a definite game changer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
