i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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