what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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