I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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