I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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