I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
