I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
