I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
