No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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