Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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